You've Never What?
by JustInunotaisho
Summary: Bachelor parties for a certain king of Gondor are anything but sane. Who has the most surprises when a game of I Never is combined with a keg? Nonslash and dang proud of it. Formerly on hiatus, now finished with song but not dance.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Don't own Middle Earth but don't think I wouldn't put in an offer

It was a full moon.

Never mind the fact that there had been one yesterday. Or the night before. This is a dramatic story world. Get used to it.

Perhaps it was because of the frequent full moons that Pippin made the fateful suggestion. To be fair, the blame could not be placed on his shoulders alone. If Gimli had not insisted on throwing Aragorn a bachelor's party in the first place, then the hobbit would not have had opportunity.

At night, the courtyard beyond the seventh gate was empty, save for the guards around the trees and entrance. Gimli, Aragorn and Pippin sat near the "ship's keel" edge, the vast rock that jutted out the middle of the whole of the city. From there one could see many leagues. Under the full moon, the fields of the Pelennor shone silver. Pippin gazed out, perched precariously on the low wall around the courtyard, his feet dangling over the long drop. He whistled carelessly as he waited for the others to arrive. A small fire crackled, built by the king of Gondor to ward off the chill.

"Those Ranger skills come in handy, eh, your Majesty?" remarked Faramir. He sat next to Pippin. "Where are the rest?"

"Merry an' Eomer will be here soon," replied Pippin. "They're bringin' th' hooch."

Gimli snickered. "An' ye can be sure that pointy-eared princeling won't show up when there's booze around…"

A new voice spoke up. "I beg your pardon?" Striding into the firelight, Legolas glared at Gimli. "As I recall, it was not _I_ who fell over backwards in Rohan, thereby losing a drinking game."

"Hrumph! I still say it doesn't count," growled Gimli. "I can't remember."

"Admit it, Gimli." Gandalf, Eomer, and Merry joined them, the first two rolling large barrels near to the fire. "Most of us saw you." The wizard straightened, wiping his brow and glancing around. He frowned. "Where are Frodo and Sam?"

"Still recovering."  
Shrugging, Merry produced a bunch of pint mugs. "More for us then."

Pippin caught the one Merry tossed him and shifted to face the fire. "I just thought o' soomthen'!" An evil gleam entered his eye. "We have enough f'r a rousin' game o 'I Never,' d'ye ken…"

A chorus of groans, a cheer from Merry, a raised eyebrow from Legolas, and a distant and ominous roll of thunder written for dramatic emphasis by the author, met his suggestion.

"How does one play this game and why do I get the distinct impression that it includes becoming utterly inebriated?" asked Legolas cynically, accepting a mug from Merry.

"Well, it depends on yew, really." Gimli grinned, eagerly taking his turn drawing a mug of ale from one of the barrels. "Ye see, we go 'round in a circle, each person saying something they've never done. If anyone's done what they've said, then they have t' take a drink."

"Ah."

"I always treat a man marked for the terrors of matrimony with courtesy, so Aragorn, you start us off."

Rolling his eyes, Aragorn looked up and thought for a moment. Then, a smile flickered over his face. "All right, I've never played this game before."

Both the hobbits and Gimli took a drink, the dwarf nearly choking when Gandalf followed suit. Sucking on his moustache to remove the foam, the wizard noticed their stares. "What? When you've been around for a few millennia, things you haven't done tend to be quite scarce."

Gimli was next. "I've never used a bow and arrow."

"You did that on purpose." With another glare in the dwarf's direction, Legolas took a sip, as did Aragorn, Faramir, and Eomer.

"I've never stolen my father's sword and pretended to fight orcs when I was young." Faramir chuckled as Eomer rolled his eyes and drank. The chuckle turned into a great howl of laughter among the group as Legolas turned a dirty look upon him and took another drink.  
Pippin wiped tears out of his eyes. "Ah've nivver gotten soo drunk that Ah tried tae blow smoke rings oot mah nose."

Grumbling, Merry drank. "Traitor," he mumbled. "Okay, _Pip_, I'VE never been drunk enough to kiss Diamond on the cheek…"

As he turned a bright red, Pippin gulped his beer and filled up again.

"I've never fallen off a cliff." All eyes save two pairs turned to Aragorn as he shrugged and chugged. Gimli tried to make his drink surreptitious, shooting a gaze with seven kinds of hell at a smirking Legolas.

Pippin noticed and his jaw dropped. "Gimli?!"

All eyes turned to the embarrassed dwarf. "Aye, so what?" he muttered. "It was while we were going t' Helm's Deep. I was having a dream about fighting orcs – ."

"-And while he was fighting, his thrashing about caused him to roll off a nearby precipice. Thankfully, I happened to be enjoying the entertaining spectacle and managed to catch him." Legolas's eyes twinkled without mercy. "You should be glad it was your leg and not your beard that I caught, master dwarf."

"I'll remember this when it's me turn again…"

Rolling his eyes, Eomer took his turn. "I've never died my hair pink." Merry and Pippin drank, along with Gandalf to their amusement.

The wizard shrugged. "There's not much a guy in his teens won't do to impress his girlfriend."

"You've got a girlfriend?" Eomer looked surprised. "Do tell."

Shaking his head, the wizard corrected him. "I _had_ a girlfriend. She broke up with me for some elf who died his hair green." He groaned at the memory. "I was still attempting to wash Rivendell Raspberry Quik-Dye out for three months afterward."

After Aragorn went again, Gimli's chance for revenge came. "I have never," he began slowly, doing this not so much out of dramatic emphasis as the need for clarity of speech – he'd been drinking the mugs straight down as opposed to sipping and already his speech possessed a small slur. "I have never…had a make-out sesh-_session_ with me pillow."

"WHAT THE – HOW, IN THE NAME OF SAURON'S HEMERRHOIDAL BACKSIDE, DO YOU KNOW THAT?"

A/N: Guesses to who that is? Suggestions for I Nevers? (nonslash or sex) Read and review? All of the above?


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I checked my email the day after I posted this and my jaw dropped at the influx of reviews. Many thanks to Bethuviel, fullOfgrace, friar jerome, Malara, Aranel en Eruanna, skilled-like-a-ninja, ClumsyElf, Nieriel Raina, Calenlass Greenleaf, and last, but not least, my old friend and reviewer from the Boromir Letters, Ogreatrandom for your reviews.

"WHAT THE – HOW, IN THE NAME OF SAURON'S HEMERRHOIDAL BACKSIDE, DO YOU KNOW THAT?"

The echo created by Legolas's scream echoed across the otherwise silent city. It was immediately followed by everyone cracking up. Fuming, he took a sip, enduring hearty slaps on the back and knowing nudges in the ribs. "I wonder jusht who _yew_ were dreamin' of, Master Elf…"

"I've never," announced Faramir over the sound of Merry and Pippin giggling tipsily. "Had more than three meals in one day."

Immediately, the hobbits sobered, looking at him in amazement. "What – what – you poor deprived person!" Exchanging pitying glances, Merry and Pippin clinked their mugs and tossed back the ale, Gandalf and Gimli following suit.

"Ah've nivver ooned a pair o' Bermuda shorts."

"Good one, Pippin," congratulated Aragorn, watching Faramir, the wizard, and the elf prince drink. "Wait a minute. Legolas?"

Not daring to look at Gimli, Legolas nodded. "It is a long story. Suffice it to say, the Corsairs of Umbar not only control the seas, but the coastline tourist industry as well."

"Somehow, I cannot imagine an elf browsing through a gift shop and actually purchasing electric green and blue swimwear," confessed Gandalf. He shot a look at Gimli as the dwarf doubled up in a fit of drunken tittering. "What?"

"Whoever said they were blue and green?" gasped Gimli, before giggling made further speech impossible.

Hastily, Legolas went. "I have never gotten drunk." Everyone drank. The Elf smirked.

"I have never had my horse stolen or tried to steal one." This time, Gandalf smirked, paying special attention to a certain Elf prince.

With a pang of utmost dread, Legolas lifted his mug to his lips and drank. His eyes met Gandalf's before sheepishly looking away. The wizard raised his eyebrows. "Are you going to tell them or shall I?"

"Back when I was twelve," began Legolas reluctantly. "A few friends and I decided to traverse the Mirkwood path and go spider hunting. We were right in the middle of the entire road when we heard a horse approaching. The three of us hid and waited for the person to appear. A figure on horseback rode up. Right as he rode past, his hat blew off into the woods opposite. He reined in, muttering words that furthered my education."

Absently, Legolas took a drink and continued, his gaze distant as he recalled the event. "So he dismounted and plunged into the woods after his hat. I, being of the mischievous persuasion, decided to steal the horse and give it to a relative for their birthday. Ever mindful of the crashings of the irritated person tearing the woods apart for his hat, I stole out, murmuring soothing words to the horse."

"Dedn't he have et tied tae a tree oor soomthen?" interrupted Pippin, enjoying this heretofore unknown side to the elf.

"No." A grimace contorted Legolas's face. "That alone should have been warning enough. It merely looked at me as I took the reins and turned to lead it into the woods. Needless to say, the horse was not agreeable."

Silence fell. Then, Merry spoke up. "Wait – that's it?! What happened next?!"

Stubbornly, the elf shook his head. "That part I shall not tell even to my dying day." A small snicker from Aragorn caused him to do a double take.

The king raised his mug. "I have never been bitten in the behind by a horse."

Mortified and turning even more pale than he naturally was, Legolas protested. "It is not your turn!"

"Who caresh? Drink that ale, fancy pantsh!" roared Gimli. Hiccuping and quite drunk by this point, the dwarf stood up. He waved his mug, spilling some on his braided beard. "I've never shpoken Shidano- Shandaria- Shandir – Elfish!"

To rid himself of the sight of the dwarf attempting to wring his beard back into the mug, Legolas took a larger drink than usual. "Faramir," he coughed. "Your go."

Squinting at the fire, the young steward of Gondor frowned. "I've never danced and sang on a table before."

"Long live the Green Dragon!" cheered Merry and Pippin, banging their mugs together again. They had been left out for a few turns but the amount which they had drunk made them quite content. "We've never led men into battle."

Faramir, Aragorn, Boromir, and Gandalf drank. Gimli scowled. "That ish'nt fair," he grumbled. "I've only ev'r led dwarvesh int' battle."

Aragorn shrugged. "Same difference. I have never…used a shield to slide down Caradhras."

Laughing, the two hobbits and Boromir drank. "Heh – that was an experience, let me tell you! One morning, the second day on that mountain, Pippin and I were up early, attempting to warn ourselves with a pipe of Old Toby or two. We were bored and Boromir had left his shield out."

"I woke up that morning just in time to see two hobbits careening down the mountainside," interjected Boromir, smiling widely. "I ran after them, boxed their ears soundly, and demanded to be taken on the second trip. Thankfully, only Aragorn saw us and we didn't get a talking-to from Gandalf."

Another round of chuckles and a sudden bout of snoring from Gimli and Eomer announced their surrender to the inevitable. The others thought this was tremendously funny. Faramir, however, didn't join in the laughter, his drink-addled mind trying to tell him something. Any attempt at rational thought was drowned out by Pippin announcing he had never put a snake in someone's rucksack. The ensuing chase involving Merry running for dear life around the courtyard from an enraged king and a ticked-off elf did little to aid his thought process.

After that, Merry and Gandalf passed out and announced they'd had enough respectively. The game ended with everyone pitching in to drag the sleeping participants under shelter. Faramir, however, remained by the fire, realizing at last what bothered him.

As he poked the fire with a stick, Boromir looked over at his brother. "Why so sad, Faramir? Didn't you get enough to drink?"

The younger man smiled halfheartedly, then sighed. "You're s'posed t' be dead, Boromir…"

Eyes twinkling, Boromir raised an eyebrow. "And yet, you aren't running away, screaming, 'Aiee! A ghost!'"

"'S because I'm drunk enough that my mind thinks thissn't real."

Boromir nodded. "I expect that's why the others didn't notice." He stood up and dusted the ash off the front of his faded blue tunic. "But, the Valar sent me back."

"You made it all the way t' the Undying Lands?"

"Yep. I think I'll go back there someday. Quite a place."

"They'd let you come back?"

"Oh yes. They grade you on noble looks, faithful service, whether your death was appropriately heroic, how many orcs you took with you, and your overall credit rating for the last twenty years."

"Sounds like a country club."

Chuckling, Boromir nodded again. "You're not too far off, there. The boat you guys put me in floated all the way out to see, up along the coastline, and then west. I woke up with a bruise on my head and a sheepish-looking Valar standing over me. He'd accidentally hit the ball too far and thought I'd been killed when it hit me."

"So nat'rally, you din't bother t' c'rrect him."

"Of course not! I was rather ticked that I missed out on Helm's Deep, the Battle of the Pelennor, and the Battle of the Black Gate, but this game made it all worth it." The older man quirked a brow at his drunken brother and sighed. "Only now I have to cart you off and sober you up tomorrow…" He reached down, slung Faramir's arm over his shoulder, and helped him stumble off.

"What I wanna know ih why y' came back when y' knew y' missed th' battles…"

"Oh, come now." Boromir laughed again. "Wouldn't you come back from the dead to hear Legolas scream 'How in the name of Sauron's hemerrhoidal backside do you know that'?"

"Mmm, nah. I'd wanna find out what color his Bermuda shorts are…"

A/N: This is not the end. How could you think that?! What comes after weddings?

Receptions.

With drinks.

And possibly more characters.

Elrond and the shaving cream incident?

Insert evil laugh


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Flets are Elfish treehouses. Ahem. Apologies for the misposted full story in this chapter before. My computer hates me. I do not own Lord of the Rings.

The next day, all of Gondor and the Lords of Rohan and the Elven lands gathered to witness the marriage of Arwen and King Aragorn. Everyone agreed the wedding was a beautiful one, even if the groom did look a bit pale from the aftereffects of his bachelor party. When the officiator asked if anyone objected to the union, Gimli's hand twitched toward the ceremonial axe strapped across his back and Legolas smoothed his white tunic, his slender hands lingering for a moment on his shoulder near his sheathed knives.

If there were any who were not in favor, the sight of a hung over dwarf must have driven the courage straight from their minds and the wedding finished without a hitch, except for Pippin developing a case of hiccups near the end that nearly drowned out the last "I do."

After the ceremony and follow up cheers, the King and his new bride led the way to the reception area. Sun glittered off the silverware on long tables covered in embroidered cloths. The best of game and fish and all manner of fruits and vegetables prepared in delicious dishes graced the tables. All the guests and subjects ate and talked as the married couple made their rounds and thanked each one for coming.

"Gimli, you still have not learned your lesson."

The dwarf looked up from his mug and snorted. He frowned at Legolas as the Mirkwood prince took a silver goblet from the nearby table and poured himself some wine. "Ah, so ye're drinking wine? Must have reached your limit last night, eh?"

"Well, since I had to cart your drunken form off to bed, you are lucky that I have a larger capacity for ale than you," replied Legolas, taking a placid sip.

Before the dwarf could retort, Elrond joined them. The Elf lord of Rivendell nodded to both and likewise took a cup. "Good morning to you both."

"My lord Elrond," Legolas bowed his head respectfully. "Is it my imagination?" he asked. "Or does the father of the bride appear tired?"

Rolling his black-ringed eyes, Elrond swirled the wine in his goblet. "I slept well until I awoke after midnight with an idiot yelling about 'Sauron's hemerrhoidal backside" or some nonsense." His eyes flicked over at Gimli as the dwarf let out a cough that sounded suspiciously like a snigger. Turning back to a slightly red Legolas, Elrond tilted his head. "My imagination sparked and the sheer horror kept sleep from returning. By the way, how was Aragorn's bachelor party last night?"

"Amusin'," piped up Gimli. "'Tis amazin' what a game o' 'I Never' can reveal about certain Elves and their childhoods-OUCH!"

"Oh, dear!" Legolas put his hand on the dwarf's shoulder. "Was that your foot? I am _dreadfully_ sorry."

Elrond's eyes, meanwhile, took on a faraway look that held a mixture of happiness and pure evil. "Ah, yes, that old game. Well do I remember the times I played it…"

"You?" Legolas's eyes widened. Gimli stopped glaring at him to look surprised. "You have played 'I Never' as well?"

"Certainly. It has been some time – nearly three centuries. Still," finished Elrond. "There must be some things I still have yet to experience…" his voiced trailed off and the two caught the hint.

"I have never," began Gimli. "Worn a butterfly barette."

"For your information, Gimli, Son of Gloin, the word is _clip._ Butterfly _clip_. Not barette." Elrond looked most offended but nevertheless drank. Clearing his throat, he declared took his turn. "I have never had an uncle captured by three trolls."

"Oi! You should be lucky Bilbo was captured!" put in Frodo, appearing at Legolas's side with a small half pint. Despite a slight pallid tinge to his skin, the hobbit seemed none the worse for wear and wore his "Rivendell Fellowship Bathtub Cleaners – Say Goodbye To Rings" vest with pride. "After all, Sting helped Sam with Shelob and Uncle Bilbo found it in that troll cave."

"Very true. Well, then. I have never pushed someone into a river." Elrond looked around expectantly and his eyes sparkled with mirth when, turning scowls upon each other, Legolas and Gimli both drank, followed by Frodo, who chuckled. "Ah, a fond memory, Master Baggins?" the lord of Rivendell asked.

"It was after Uncle Bilbo left," recounted the hobbit, an evil smirk playing 'round his lips. "One of those lazy Sackville-Bagginses was sitting on the bridge railing, fishing. Now, Robin Smallburrow had asked all the younger hobbits to keep off the railings as they were in need of repair. If less hobbits sat on them, they'd last longer and it wouldn't cost so much to replace them. But," he rolled his eyes. "The Sackville-Baggins think themselves very fine and have all the rights and none of the responsibilities. I was walking past, mentioned he shouldn't sit there, and he gave a bit of a sniff and told me to mind my own business."

Eyebrows quirking in a knowing manner, Frodo raised his mug as he finished. "And about five minutes later, a tiny, invisible fairy gave him a bit of a push and he had his first bath in months." With that, he took another drink. "I have never asked for a lock of someone's hair."

"Ye're not going to let that go, are ye?" Gimli began, but his eyes caught sight of Legolas fixing an expression on Frodo akin to the one an Elf fixes on a younger sibling when the latter accidentally breaks their favorite comb.

"Master Baggins-" even Elrond shuddered at the chilliness that passed over them at Legolas's tone. "I believe I asked you not to divulge that bit of information."

"Did you?" asked the hobbit, his baby-blue eyes widening and blinking rapidly. "Have I? It seems to me that I merely stated a fact."

"Out with it, you silver-tongued Elfling!" roared Gimli in delight.

"No," refused the Elf in a flat denial. "I am weary of being made fun of."

"And whose fault is that?" Elrond bit his lip to keep from grinning. "You chose to have an…active…life, after all."

All his tendencies toward smiling vanished as a deep elderly voice cut in, "For my part, I have never fallen off a flet."

The lord of Rivendell turned and locked gazes with Gandalf. With a calm smile, the white-clad Istari swirled the ale in his mug, leaning on his staff. "How in the name of Shelob's Fungus-Encrusted Toenail Clippings do you know about that?" Elrond demanded.

Gimli nudged Legolas. "Hey, that sounds almost familiar, eh?"

"Amazing as it is, I will not have to drink this round," retorted Legolas.

Following his sip of ale, Lord Elrond preferred to remain silent on the matter, save for an obscure comment along the lines of "elf wine, dance lessons for beginners, and flets should not mix."

"I have never charged a horde of Uruk Hai while singing 'The Battle of Amon Hen.'"

Gimli gulped his drink, set the empty mug on the table, and picked up another full one. "What's wrong with that?" he asked Legolas, shrugging.

"Somehow, I expected a more stirring war ballad than that…" Eomër approached, his sister and Faramir arm in arm and in tow.

Eowyn raised her glass of wine. "I have never braided my sister's hair to her bedpost."

"What? Hey!" protested Eomër. "You don't have a sister, so you can't say that!"

"See that?" She tapped the rim of his mug. "Put your lips there and drink."

With a groan, the new king of Rohan grudgingly complied. "And _I _have never been bitten in the rear by a horse," he retorted. Then the reality of what he said hit him and he winced, feeling a subsequent glare knifing toward him from Legolas's direction.

"Twice in two days, eh?" Gandalf reached over and tapped a serving man on the shoulder, motioning to the empty tray of boar and blueberry morsels he had been steadily depleting since the exchange of vows. Nodding in understanding, the waiter carried the tray away and brought out a full one.

This time, Eowyn groaned and drank, then cast a strange look at Legolas when he followed suit. "Legolas?"

"I was forced to tell it once already."

"Honestly." Elrond tut-tutted, his wine goblet nestled between his fingers. "I do not know what Elfdom is coming to these days."

"These days?" Gandalf's voice radiated sugar and spice and too much sarcasm to say anything nice. "_These _days, Master Elrond, Lord of Rivendell?" His blue eyes glittered with the relish of imminent revelation. Or perhaps they were watery from the spice on the Boar and Blueberry Paté.

"I beg your pardon, _Mithrandier_? I do not – oh…Oh, my. Cr_ud_."

"Indeed. I have never snuck into a wizard's room during the night, filled his hat with Elfin InstaShave while he was sleeping, and then screamed that his bed was aflame."

Silence had just enough life to be broken by Elrond's loud gulp from his goblet, then shattered when the whole group dissolved into hysterics. The abashed lord of Rivendell chuckled, an uncharacteristic wry look on his face.

"But how?" asked Frodo, his breath regained at last. "Surely he would have noticed his hat had been filled with the stuff?"

"No," corrected Elrond. "That shaving cream sticks together very well and it is Mordor to remove from one's clothes. I shouted 'Fire!' and he sprang out of bed, snatched up his hat, and jammed it securely on his head. To make matters worse, he not only failed to notice the cream at first but also, he ran smack into the door jam in an attempt to flee and it squirted out from under his hat brim and down his neck."

"Needless to say," cut in the Istari over the resumption of the gigglefest. "The very next time a certain young Elf Lord went swimming, he returned to the bank to find all of his clothes Orc Breaded."

"'Orc Breaded?'" Frodo's brow wrinkled with confusion as Faramir let out a sympathetic whistle and Eowyn snickered. "What's that?"

"'Tis where ye take their clothes, tie them up in knots, an' dunk them in water." Gimli grinned with evil glee. "Nearly impossible to untie them afterwards."

The game continued on and on. At last, as the stock of ale and wine grew closer towards extinction, Gandalf, leaning heavily on his staff to keep himself upright by this time, raised his goblet. "I have never been kicked out of a wedding reception for singing The Battle of Amon Hen."

"Well, that leaves me out," shrugged Faramir. He turned to Gimli. "What about you?"

The dwarf swayed on his feet, appearing faintly disconcerted. "Me neither."

"Nor me," said Legolas.

"I know he hasn't," volunteered Eowyn, the Rohirrim woman steadying her incoherent brother and keeping him from falling not-so-softly to the stone courtyard. "Neither have I."

Frodo and Elrond shook their heads.

No one spoke, but exchanged glances. There had always been someone who had done something. No round before passed without someone drinking.

"Whadda we do now?" Frodo blinked. Carefully. With great contemplation. "'S th' game over?"

Setting his goblet down with a purposeful clink, Gandalf produced his long-stemmed pipe from his sleeve and tapped it against the table. "I vote that we remedy the situation."

"Well shed!" bellowed Gimli. Eomër woke up and bellowed something approximating agreement.

Legolas covered his eyes in despair. "Um, I think there's one small flaw with that idea-"

Whatever protest he might have voiced was overruled as the group broke into a deafening and ten-miles-off key rendition of The Battle of Amon Hen. Looking up in exasperation, his keen eyes caught sight of a mouse, caught in the claws of an eagle. If the mouse had the eyes of an elf, he might have looked down and met that gaze and would have been surprised to find envy in Legolas's for the mouse's imminent end.

Oblivious to the elf's agony, the group sang.

_In 3017, we took a little spin_

_Along with Aragorny down the mighty Anduin_

_Had a little Lembas and a bush stop now and then_

_And fought the ugly Uruks near the top of Amon Hen_

_Paddled our oars and Gimli was a-hurnlin'_

_Landed on the shores and fought bloody hard_

_Uruks grabbed the hobbits, then set to squirrlin'_

_'cross land o' Rohan, back to Isengard_

_Old Frodo had to toss the mount a ring_

_So he went off with Sam and didn't say a thing_

_The rest of us played Yahtzee and did our card tricks_

_The orcs showed up just as Leggy rolled a six_

_Paddled our oars and Gimli was a-hurnlin'_

_Landed on the shores and fought bloody hard_

_Uruks grabbed the hobbits, then set to squirrlin'_

_'cross land o' Rohan, back to Isengard_

_Ten minutes later, there was carnage everywhere_

_Silly string on armor and pizza in our hair_

_With shortstuff Pippin yelling "Come on, ye blarney lad"_

_The Uruks drew machetes and things got rather bad_

_Paddled our oars and Gimli was a-hurnlin'_

_Landed on the shores and fought bloody hard_

_Uruks grabbed the hobbits, then set to squirrlin'_

_'cross land o' Rohan, back to Isengard_

_Yeah, they ran over hill and over Chippendale_

_They trampled flower gardens and the odd wandering Bard_

_Stopped for a bit to argue over dinner_

_Died in land 'o Rohan, close to Isengard_

_We fought and roared 'til our breath ran out_

_Then they kidnapped two and began a hasty rout_

_On the backs of two, they tied the hobbits on_

_And then began the chase of the Rohan Marathon_

_Paddled our oars and Gimli was a-hurnlin'_

_Landed on the shores and fought bloody hard_

_Uruks grabbed the hobbits, then set to squirrlin'_

_'cross land o' Rohan, back to Isengard_

_Yeah, they ran over hill and over Chippendale_

_They trampled flower gardens and the odd wandering Bard_

_Stopped for a bit to argue over dinner_

_Died in land 'o Rohan, close to Isengard_

It worked. But as Legolas surmised, they were kicked out and unable to finish the game anyway.

The End

A/N: After hearing The Battle of New Orleans for the fifty-seventh time or somewhere thereabouts, I looked up the year in which the Fellowship existed. When I discovered it ended in "-teen," heaven opened up and bounced individually wrapped cheese slices off my head until I relented and wrote the following ditty. It might not go along with the notes very well, but there it is. Anyway, phew! Done at last. I never planned to continue it this far anyway so it took me an eternity to come up with. Hope you enjoyed it.


End file.
